i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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