i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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