"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
