dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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