fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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