Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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