Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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