And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
