Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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