I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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