who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
