I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
