Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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