Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You are the jesus of drinking
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
