it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
