Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
