If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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