someone threw a dead crab at me
After last night, I could never be a politician.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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