her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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