I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
