You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize