i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
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he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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