I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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