Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
