Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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