One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Randomize
