ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
