I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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