I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
