Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Randomize
