So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
