1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?