I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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