GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
