paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Can Purell be used as lube?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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