my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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