You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
