Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
