jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
