Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
