i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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