Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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