Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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