Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
