ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
