If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
