i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
