hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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