So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
