Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
