I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
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