the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
