I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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