I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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