there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
