I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
