For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
