i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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