My liver just broke up with me...
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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