sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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