you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
your like the ambassador to my penis.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
