tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
