we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
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Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
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There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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