Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
